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It all began three weeks ago, my emotional downfall that is. While the U.S. economy is slowly keeping afloat a vast sea of wary Americans, my smaller but equally debilitating crisis is barely keeping me afloat as well. I'm not quite sure if I could even call it a crisis, but I have recently become inundated with pitfalls. The Pan American held it's 65th anniversary, we threw out a democrat/republican debate, critiqued numerous submissions for a high school conference and held the conference; all this while balancing life, the paper and most importantly myself.
I've had a nasty cold and am finally getting better and trying to push myself to do the best I can, especially these last three issues and weeks of school. What recently got me down is what I will succumb to as my final realization of self. I've been called "cynical" and "complacent" by someone I care so deeply about, my best friend. It has been the best advice he's given me thus far. Something about it pissed me off though, I feel it was said in a negative light, I think this is what has ultimately been bothering me. I've always been cynical and it's true, I am doubtful and not quite level-headed. But that really is just it, I really don't give a shit, it's not deeper than that. I do believe genes have a lot to do with it, my mother is as cynical, if not more cynical than I am.
I doubt.
I doubt God, I doubt people and I doubt anything that's not myself. Take it or leave it.
However it being said as though it's a bad thing really irks me. Is this what people think of me? Though I've NEVER given a shit what people think, I do APPRECIATE their thoughts and it does raise concerns. Most friends however, aren't as observant as my best friend. It just always feels like a constant jab at my personality. We've had numerous conversations on this though. It just always feels like a slap in the face, like if something is wrong with me. It feels like a "By the way, you're personality is *insert comment here* and that's not a good thing." I know he didn't mean it that way though. But it did make me have pretty much a mid-'mid'-life crisis. I've been on edge for a while now but it's finally left me. I was fine being the cynical asshole I was until that point three weeks ago, it made me re-evaluate myself; not change myself. For that, I'm eternally grateful.
I will never change who I am, I've said that time and time again. I don't care who the fuck you are I just won't. Best friend, spouse, parents, it won't work. I've only gotten stronger in my firm belief that I don't give a shit what people think. I'm very much contradicting and run into myself. People notice it and I'm glad. I've been told I have no filter and that's totally true, I don't. I just say what pops into my head. I just don't like people making it seem like it's a bad thing. Like I've said before to anyone, if it's really a bad thing and it bothers a person that much then they can just fuck off. My view entirely. I can't even say "fuck off" though. I just imply it. So in a way I control my on cynicism.
The strange thing about my cynicism is that I'm one of the most optimistic people you'll ever meet. I just question everything. I'll never be a upfoward asshole and not listen to your input, but it doesn't mean I'll accept it either. I can't count the many times people have said comments about my agnosticism. The whole "You need God" shit really does piss me off. I hate when people insist they "know you" and know what would work for you. Sure their input is taken and considered but I so badly want to shove it back in their mouth and kick them in the balls and send them on their way. Argh I hate fanatics, If you've been saved and have seen the light then be on your way. Don't push me, I won't say anything, I'll just flash a smile and kindly scoot you away. Believe me though I'm bursting at the seams. I don't think I'll ever hit the point of snapping, only to those I'm close to. I just diverged into a million different things.
On the comment about complacency, I have become more complacent with everything, the paper and life in general. I will no longer be complacent with the paper, I promise that. On life however, I've never been complacent. Some think, that I'm comfortable or I don't want success bad enough. I became complacent all because of this emotional rut that I was stuck in, now that I think of it, it's been more like a month.
My boyfriend and I recently disagreed about the definition of success. I blatantly told him that I don't want to be at the top of the hierarchy of any organization. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy being editor in chief and will push forward all I can, but I miss being right under that position of power. I miss reporting, I really feel like I haven't been reporting. Obviously I have the opportunities, but I feel consumed with managerial shit.
I told my best friend and my boyfriend that I don't want to be at the top, even if I could be. Both seem to believe I can climb to the top of some major publication. I believe it, but I don't want it. My idea of success is this:
*Having love (with Jon obviously)
*Having my best friend and tight circle of friends with me
*Being a senior general a reporter at a daily newspaper
That's basically it. That, by all means, is not just me being happy, that's me at my happiest. That for sure hell is not COMPLANCENCY. That's just me, plain and simple. I won't only die happy having accomplished those main goals, but I'll die knowing I reached the pinnacle of MY idea of success.
Success is measured in yourself.
Ultimately I'd love to live with Jon and have two dogs, a miniature schnauzer named Butler and a pug named Pugsley. I want to have a flat with an overview of a beautiful city. I want to have a nice library with a collection of books, DVDs and video games. (Which Jon and I have all ready started. We actually need to buy another bookshelf). Eventually I want to move just right outside city limits and have a huge backyard with a private fence. A place where I can parade around naked. The simple things in life make me happy. Holding the door open for someone warms my heart and reading a novel under the covers while it's raining makes me feel like I'm in heaven.
I feel good now. I haven't typed out my feelings in a while. So in a nutshell, I'm cynical, not complacent and I fucking love it.
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